melodytruong:

In @fishingboatproceeds’s new book, Turtles All the Way Down, the narrator experiences things she calls thought spirals, where as the phrase suggests, your thoughts consume you and spin towards an infinite spiral, coiling so tight until it possesses your entire conscience in that moment.

This past month has been incredibly hard for me. A few years ago, my therapist recommended journaling, doodling, or coloring as a way to cope with my panic and anxiety in a healthy manner. During the past few days, I’ve pulled out this piece whenever I felt like a thought spiral was on the verge of forming.

My thoughts as of lately have been a lot like this:

If I fail this assignment I won’t get a good grade in the course.
Then I will have a lower gpa.
Then I won’t get into graduate school.
Then I’ll have to endure more emotional abuse from my family.
Then I’ll have to deal with the fact that I’m a failure.
Then the sacrifices my parents made to get me here were made in vain.
Then what kind of person am I?
Why do I deserve these privileges when there are others more worthy?

Am I studying enough?

Am I trying hard enough?

Am I enough?

So each spiral in this drawing was a time I felt like things were beyond my control or I couldn’t handle or process my emotions or thoughts or when I became fixated on all the overwhelming negative possibilities or consequences that could happen.

I wish I could say I’m getting better but just because our brains and neuronal networks exhibit immense plasticity, doesn’t mean it will happen when you need it.

And even though evolution can occur over time, adaptive changes within a species don’t occur because these organisms have a stronger will to live.

But I still wake up each morning, surrounded by people who care. And I think for now, waking up each morning to see another day should be enough.